i read years ago that if you think that trying to make a relationship you want to be in is difficult, then try having an effective relationship with someone you dont want to have any relationship with but have to because you are co-parenting children. Now thats hard work. So true.
Having the house to myself over the last few days has been so wonderful; relaxing, peaceful and very replenishing. I needed it, its why my posts have been so indulgent. I have been looking to the aesthetic in my environment to bring happiness. It worked, warmth and light are very beneficial in generating a happier disposition. So, if co-parenting after seperation is difficult, co-parenting even from a distance, with someone with a personality disorder is something i wouldn't wish on anyone. I found out on the weekend that i had sent my girls up to a father who had changed not only his place of residence without telling me but also all of his telephone numbers. Apparently its beeen this way for months. The sheer irresponsibility of this behaviour is staggering, not to mention disrespectful, arrogant and just plain stupid. What was he thinking? maybe not much... does he do this just to piss me off or can he really be that careless? So what do i do? I say nothing. Experience has taught me to wait until the children are home before i confront him about issues. He takes it out on them, ranting about their terrible mother who is single handedly responsible for his current miserable state.
To top it off, the huge promises of fun he'd made the girls these holidays (yet again) but backed up with the 'facts'..'yes were going, great huh? so exciting, we have bought tickets already...' poof!
It breaks my heart to see the girls time and time again believe in their father and then have his actions and words strip that misplaced trust right back to nothing, well, back to the raw truth of his condition.
Watching your children experience having their faith and love twisted and broken over and over again it so difficult and then they protect him, taking the full brunt of the experience on themselves. He consistently makes them empty promises and for me its become a very fine line between preparing them for dissapointment and potentially generating negative feelings towards him and making him out always to be the bad guy, incompetent. I tend to just make a brief comment about preparing themselves for something going 'wrong' and then move the conversation on.
So, its happened yet again. They've gone to visit and their hopes and dreams about this time with him, which were fed by his promises, have now become yet again, conditional and his outright lies to them have been exposed. Its breaking my heart (hmm, i think Ive said that before). Im hoping that a miracle will occour and he will get his act together before their time is up and make it happen. For them. Show them that he can make a mistake and correct it.
I think Im dreaming...