Haiku Friday

pop! pop! pop! pop! pop!
my heart balloon is bursting.
can't grasp this much love

Haiku Friday

new camera, small kid.
a perfect match. shutter falls,
again and again.

yeah baby!

The bean has started giving kisses. On cue. Sweet! Its what every parent looks forward too; some reciprosity of affection. Its taken awhile.
His pucker action has expressed itself in the Kath-Kel Day-Night style. He walks forward, positions himself face on, looks me in the eye, opens his litle wet lipped moosh wide, moves his head forward and plants his wide open mouth over my puckered one. A small outbreath sometimes with a sound "uueeeh", no moving of the lips, and then its removed just as it was offerred. Its the sweetest, softest most innocent little act Ive experienced in a long while. He registers nothing in it but the fact that we all smile and I go 'mwwaaah'. It makes my heart do the flippy flop. I have to confess to asking for more than my fair share of these delectable, exquisite Beany offerings.

Haiku Friday

the pitchfork sinks, stops.
black earth crumbles, falls away.
a majestic spud!

and so we struggle

just like all normal people, we bumble along, tentatively, honestly, with our hearts on our sleeve and our head in our hands. We are dancing our way through a patch; a patch of uncertainty, of newness, of unchartered waters. Yes we had a great holiday, a wonderful relaxing holiday, but reality bites as soon as we returned. It had been there before we departed; a sore, an itch, an unresolved nip. How does a 53 year old (retired since he was 38 year old) man reconcile his past freedoms as a well-off entrepreneur and property owner with time to himself and money to burn, with his current reality as a stay home dad, homemaker to five and 'ships cook and concubine' to a working academic.
Well, apparently he doesnt. Well he does and he doesnt, and he does and he doesnt. As a life long feminist with feminist/marxist parents, grandparents and great grand parents and parents before them, I use all the empathy i have to manouver us through the ultimately feminist/patriarchial issues i now see my male beloved struggling with.

Issues he never thought he would face ( how could he as a priviledged male of the upper middle classes?) but issues i knew he ultimately would face through the sheer nature of the job, but thought it best he reconcile them for himself when the time came. Our time has come. We had a very beautiful conversation this evening where he opened himself right up, confronted his weaknesess, his foibles, his limitaions, his maleness. He struggled, cried, mourned and asked for comfort. He confronted for himself all the feminist issues of drudgery, boredom, repetition amd emotional exhaustion that women have traditionally faced. I cannot tell you how pleasurable it was (after a day or so of pissed-offness), exquisitely beautiful in all the right ways, to use all my knowledge and experience as a mother and a woman to comfort the man i love in dealing with his feelings of inadequacy, distress and insecurity about being the primary care giver to our beautiful boy. I do understand. To reassure him that he was doing a fine job despite his perceptions about being ill equipped to do it. To have him appreciate and need my warmth, reflection, humility and empathy was priceless. Its a struggle sometimes, we went through days of uncertainty, but the other side is glorious.

Haiku Friday

darkness comes early.
rooms evolve into quiet dens,
autmun leaves expire.

i have a [reocurring] dream..

well its a bit of a nightmare really. I have it all the time and have done for the last five years. Its a kind of nightmare to start with but the ending is great! I always wake up happy and at peace. I had it again for the second time in the week last night. Its always the same theme but I havent had a recurring dream sequence like this since i was a kid.

It starts with me in a situation; a party, a dinner, a household moment where i am back in a relationship with my ex husband. The kids are usually involved in the dream but always in the 'backgroud'. The main component of the dream at this stage is the sinking feeling im experiencing at the realisation that i am not happy and feel that the rest of my life is a death sentence and i have to share it with this man. Its the re-expereincing of the real life feeling i had the day he moved back into the house after we decided to get back together after a seperation of six months. Dread. Despair. Heavy. Hopeless. Stuck. Dark. Misery. Anger. Death. So i revel in these emotions in the dream a little before the good bit arrives when i realise that Im no longer sharing my life with this Si but the new version, Mark II; the one that actually fits! The new Si usually walks into the dream room as i have this realisation. This moment marks the pinnacle of the dream.

My heart soars, my despair and dread lift and a feeling of pure joy and love rise up in me when i become aware in the dream that I have done the hard work, that those emotions belong to the past and that I am no longer bonded to a life of misery and 'smallness'. That expansiveness and hope are now a part of my living vocabulary. Then I wake up. Smile. The nightmare has gone...

I really love having this dream.

Haiku Friday

My heart runs over,
too much love to comprehend.
I think the dam's burst.