viola!

Oh, its dull around here in the brain at Chez Pan. Im busy n all but its all work and no play. Im having fun but its a bit like boot camp; painfully bearable. I need rewards to lure me through the hazy days and endless nights of internet and computer work that my life seems to have become (I spent hours yesterday wrestling with the finer machinations of higher end, snobby blogger css coding just trying to sort out something as simple as a failed favicon plugin ) I know, plenty better ways to spend a few precious hours but Im like a dog with a bone.

Speaking of dogs n bones n rewards, I think I managed to sniff out the only bottle of cardaMOM essence in modern existence! It's a little out of date; looking a little like circa 1962, but meh, as the old Indian dude who owned the store said , "is ok...out of date but still berry good, I still use it in the restaurant. shhh". Ive been meaning to make Belgian Waffles' crackfudge for weeks. Something about the combination of cardamon, sea salt and roast almonds...makes me get a bit wobbly. Need to cook but Im in a weird post modern funk (an alternative to busy). Im thinking seriously about whipping up a bunch of arse biscuits to take to work and and maybe some aubergine whatthefuck.

catching up

Maybe that post heading should be 'trying to keep up"? Very absent blogging here at Chez Pan, not even a Haiku to be had. Things are starting to resemble a post apoclyptic world. Good thing i have the girls well trained. Somehow I need to reconcile my astonishment at just what can happen to ones house and environs when neglected by two adults (and used by four and a toddler adept at untidying a room in one minute flat) for a few weeks with my shock at what actually needs doing once Ive stopped and smelt the laundry. I havent even unpacked from my trip away. My travel bag is open and still on the floor, its guts strewn about and im living out of it! At home! I figure once Ive worked my way through it, it will have been 'organically' unpacked. I think I left one Birkenstock behind but i feel weird ringing the Hilton and asking for an ancient and quite feral Birkie and 'would they please send it back'? Its on THE LIST. I packed on the bed coz it was table height(I kid you not!) and I think it got swallowed in the uber super topped downy cloud. Im now at the stage where I think the Bloke getting a seat in Parliment might be a great idea - Im fantasising about some home help!

Let me tell you how things are around here; for a foodie, a dinner paints a thousand stories. No pasta left, no vege left, no fruit left, no eggs left. Last nights dinner consisted of microwaved jasmine rice with a can of 'emergency' chilli tuna (in olive oil- some standards still apply) stirred through. To which I added the LAST vegetable- an old shrivelling corn cob with the mouldy end sliced off, a fridge stashed quarter red onion rescued from sure death, and a small hard knob of cheddar which I only found when i stood on tiptoes to re-check the cheese bit in the fridge and a handfull of cherry tomatoes (its a fruit). We would have had some fresh zucchini if we'd been watering the garden on a regular basis. In hindsight some basil and parsley from the garden would have been a good idea but between still suffering the gastro I'd bolted home from work with on Friday and the Bloke heading out 'in half an hour' to 'Recycleball', B2 to get to a party and B1 having just broken up with her 'boyfiend' , I just wasnt a thinking epicurean.

THE LIST - must be done today. Heading up in order of importance are:
1. water garden.
2. do laundry
3. GET SOME FOOD
4. 100 other jobs relating to the 'professional' website Im in charge of building and managing and the 400 subscribers Im communicating with so I can actually link the payment gateway that we need operational next week and have everyone onboard, ready for launch in a few weeks time. Food Connect Adelaide is really going off! Weve been averaging two 4-hour meetings per week to get it ready for launch.

Thens there's pics on the camera that need downloading, need to check if the cats actually gone missing, move the potted tomatoes to a possum challenging space, change the sheets (!), a thesis to think about, dusting (probably more akin to washing by now), garden pruning (the lovely Japanese style garden we had is now an experiment in Mediterranean style peremaculture principles), personal pruning (the downside to short hair is it ends up like a thatch if not tended regularly- looking a bit Sharon right about now- sorry if I have any readers called Sharon) and some nail tending might be professionally appropriate before meetings next week; half chewed and chipped and full of dirt can be offputting. Need to cut.

5. Maybe some kid time might be nice too. I say lets go out for brunch!
6. Birkenstock retrieval

(p.s) many apologies for not keeping on top of comments! My standards are really slipping. i love youse all)

Do you get the feeling things are slightly coming apart at the seams? *high pitched slightly hysterical laughter* accompanies

green reconciliation

My Greenliness has been challenged yet again. Maybe its dying some kind of death? Im challenged. I made a trip. No real need besides the one I chose to justify; just pure R&R. Girlfriends from various States meeting up for a weekend of togetherness; our annual girly Melbourne weekend. Kids and partners left behind. Massages and cocktals, highbrow dinner and bloated boardwalk walking. Pillows, pyjamas, movies and pizza and whisky and wine and yes... some shopping to be had.

652 kilometres- jet fuelled
New clothes from fancy shops, well fancier than usual...
No bottled water, all dishes got washed...
Our hotel loungeroom view - sinful on all levels! Lit up like a Christmas tree, burning tonnes of fossil fuel, but god it looked fantastic. We all spent time alone with it. Something about a city at night...
Jeez it was good!

If thats the circus...

...whats the State Ballet like?

D-Day report

Well can I say I made a mountain out of a mole hill? Slight histrionics perhaps...hindsihght is always easy. How do you reconcile a 27/28 , Ive forgotten exactly how old he is now, year old with a 14-0n the brink -of -15 year old girl? You dont. You just cope day to day and communicate and set firm boundaries. Its been tricky but I have to say, meeting the guy today was a little bitter sweet. On the one hand, I wonder about my daughter and on the other hand, Im not worried about him at all. At first sight he looked just her age. I though 'no way, he can't be 27/28' He looks like a teenager. Awkward, uncomfortable, gawky. How I wished he was interesting. Id had in mind a professional, mature, interesting sort of person; my ex-husband at 28 years old. Nup. Kid. Ten years too old for his mind and body. Im thinking they are made for each other right now. She needs love and attention from someone safe and reliable and not complicated and undemanding and unsure. Check. (absent father issues, yes) And so does he (his issues I have no idea about!) I actually felt sorry for him. He'd get eaten alive in this family. B1 on her 15th cusp seemed more worldy and mature. How does that happen? The power differential that I imagined and was so terrifying to me just isnt there. She rules their roost. He is a kid who just hasnt matured. I even wondered at some stage if she'd got his age wrong. My 21 year old nephew seems so much older. Im a bit confused by the apparent contradictions he presents. He appears to be very compliant and no threat at all?!

For those of you who cared about the lunch menu. We had home-made burgers. Toasted wholemeal Portugese rolls, bio-dynamic beef with chilli, basil and onion burger, organic cheddar, home made pickle, home made sauce, mayo, 'garden' and beetroot. It was good. Poor guy didnt even make it half way through, even without the 'garden'....

I have been so happy to hear of experiences about relationships others have had with older men in their past; Em, Katy and my hairdresser. Reassuring at least. But Jeez, its a tough one to navigate with grace as a mother. Most of me just wants to say Noooo.

Not ready for this...

Its a good thing i have been so busy. My mind has been well occupied. Tomorrow is D-Day. The meet the 'too-old-for-my-daughter-why-dont-you-just-fuck-off' bloke day. Im not ready. Im ill prepared. I have no speech, no knock out punch, no poisoned chalice or moment of hypnotherapy prepared. I dont even know what we're having for lunch. When I dont know what's for lunch you know I'm not prepared. Well I do know we ARE having salad coz apparently he doesnt do 'garden'. Well he can bloody well 'do garden' just coz thats whats in season so and you cant have your cake and eat it too right, and garden is bloody well low carbon and good for you and if everyone just ate meat and chips...can you tell im really looking forward to this? I just hope he doesnt start calling her darling or worse...babe then I just might choke on my chokoes, or thump him one, or get really pathetic and passive aggressive on him. Ah fuck it. Cant prepare for this. I'll be winging it and hope that we all make it out alive.Better get that gas bottle filled...

Haiku Friday

Oh Fark! it's Friday!
No pic, no words, no Haiku
was ready for you.

Ten things that piss me off about being Green

1. Crusts of bread hanging around for quite a while waiting to be smashed into breadcrumbs

2. Catching the bus to work in the dark, cold mornings in the dead of winter

3. Planning. Endless planning and organising to ensure efficient living on all levels. Sometimes I just want my brain to stop, it all to stop and hop off for a while!

4. The research and time that goes into any purchase. Sometime I just wanna 'grab' something!

5. Having to walk past the stinky and sloppy imported French cheese mountains at the markets

6. Everyone in the family having a good excuse when I get cranky at all the dishes thy have left piling up until enough are there to make a wash-up justifiable (i think this is my no.1 !)and knowing Im not going to have a comeback to this water saving argument

7. Always being the bad guy and endlessly reminding children to 'turn it off!' Besides which it just reminds me of my mother...

8. Wanting sometimes to just splurge to 'show my love' but pulling back in the name of less stuff and not necessary. Again, it reminds me of my mother...

9. That if I dont eat or organise the leftovers, they may get left in the fridge for a while

10. Coming home from work and making pita bread, tortilla or pizza dough coz all that plastic packaging really pisses me off

Small 'personal is political' potatoes I know, but I didnt even get started on the volunteer and activism work that gets done around here...

What pisses you off about Green living?

ohh boy, is that do-able?

just to continue with yesterdays purging theme (I'm on a roll), here's my life for the next two weeks:

- Bookclub;

- Greens state council;

- Montessori school drama production;

- Opening night of Pippin at the youth theatre;

- Foodconnect workshop;

- Chapter 6 of my thesis edits completed;

- A whole new chapter written - qualitative focus group stuff that my 'old' supervisor dissed (he being the super dooper stats guy) which necessarily includes all those transcripts analysed so I can keep on track with my deadlines for a Christmas submit of the thesis;

- Greens fundraising dinner;

- Open house and garden day for 'Sustainable Living' fundraiser (fuck the garden needs to look fab);

- India Flint eco-dye workshop;


All that squeezed around work and kids...should be manageable? Right? Breathe

time to purge

I think this is going to be a vomit post- you know the ones, they just spill out, no real theme or rhyme or reason, no plan. Its either that or no post at all, and that just bugs me no end, so goddamit, Im posting! It could turn into a whinge post too, about how tired I feel which also makes me not want to post (i know, just dont do it! but well I must be a bit OCD or something, else just a control freak coz i want to write but cant put two coherent thoughts together really, so lets just see where this ends up..) Well now that Ive started its surprisingly alieviated some pressure, of what we're still not sure, right?. Im cooking, just not posting about my storms, not entirely sure why, but mostly it just seems like just our bloody dinner and who the hell would be interested in the tortilla, the pide or the bio-burger? Im still gardening and its the same gig; who the hell cares that the leaves are being munched off the tomato plants by unidentified leaf munchers who leave bare stems in their wake? or the cucumbers Ive planted out, who gives a hoot? I suppose my creative mojo has just been subsumed. Kids, house, garden, paid work, clubs, volunteer work, PhD. Have found myself frequently wondering how people manage big families? Crrr-azy busy!

The 'holy crap B1 is dating a bloke' saga continues. The heats gone out if it (at my end only!) Shame. Was hoping for some incompatible fizzle. But we're all still talking, being honest and telling it like it is around here and we have noticed that she has grown and met our expectations with her usual amazingness and loads of responsibility, so i am really appreciative of her management of most of the stuff thats come up and out of this situation. Every now and then she shows her age and I just want to slam my adult trump card down on the table and say ' see, its too hot! get out of the kitchen' or 'you wanna play being a grown up, this is what you have to deal with' but mostly I manage the demon. She tells me stuff, I respond, we debate and we move through. Its all good, well as good as it can be when you've got shit like this going on. We still havent met, Ive tried but apparently he's concerned about his hair... A spin off issue has been appropriately guiding her little sister through the matter. Not easy when they talk to each other and Im the bad guy. Im hoping for a rewarding parenting moment in 15 years time.

The garden grows, problems get solved, we love and laugh, we clean and tidy and sweep and wash, work gets done and time passes.

The Thing moves on.
It should be a great Christmas.

Haiku Friday

driving this morning,
I forgot which foot did what.
Three pedals, no clue.

the computer says 'no'

A discussion on the way home from the terms 'learning conversation', a student led interaction between parent child and teacher in lieu of the traditional parent/teacher night, turned into a night from my worst nightmare. My nearly 15 yo bean informs me that she has a boyfriend. Nice. Then she tells me the 'boy' is not really a 'boy'. Hes a 20 something man! Holy fuck. I hung onto all my instincts to just lose it, ban her from seeing him etc etc. But i didnt. Is the guy a complete moron or just a plain sicko? Jesus. Trust factor is being given a MAJOR workout here. I told her i did disprove, strongly, that rules applied in extra force, we had a talk about sex, about men and expectations, about power, misuse of it, whose got it, about control and autonomy and feeling all grown up and love and desire and feeling beautiful and good about yourself and sex and sex. Oh boy! Ive told her i want to meet him, but actually the thought of that is making me feel ill. I just want to tel him to 'fuck off'. She has told me that if i dont want her to see him that she wont because i take precendence, but she was so angry with me for not approving that the consequences to our trust relationship will obviously be affected.Im seriously working on the theory that if i squash it she wont tell me these things in the future "I wish i didnt tell you mum" was ringing in my ears and sending me a major call. I really want her to talk to me about these things and me outright banning her from seeing him i figured would either push it underground and she would start lieing to me to see him or just not tell me about anything 'undesirable' next time. I really want her to safely learn her own terms. Is this pie in the sky thinking? Doesnt she know i have a PhD to finish!

This delightful news topped off what was already a really bad day. And i thought B2 feeling devestated about me not approving of her and her friends posting a soon to be made and much organised vidoeo on YouTube earlier that day was a difficult moment. Its such a fine line. Parenting really sucks sometimes. Where's the rulebook for best outcomes? I dated a 19 yo when i was 14 for a few months and i know i handled that situation well and never felt compromised nor unsafe.

I was a naughty kid, pushed boundaries and never told my mother very much about my actions and behaviours but never got into any serious trouble, just the odd close situation. I lived in Bangkok without my parents at 15 and was generally pretty streetwise. I got kicked out of home at 17 for having a sexual relationship which my mother just couldnt handle( I was in university by then!). Pot.Kettle.Black is coming home to roost. Does anyone else have any experience of this? Some pearls of wisdom to help out one freaked out mother?

oh my

isnt the internet interesting? Can someone please explain how one gets from a post on a yoga massage in a Bali to being referenced on this site?

blasts from the past

are all well and good but what if you cant remember them? Im in a bind and in need of advice. I recieved an email today courtesy of Friends Reunited ( who uses them anymore anyway? everyones on Facebook!) 'Hi Kel, hows things... think of you and your family often...signed X. Nice, love tracking people down myself and love being 'found'. Problem is, in this case i have absoloutely no idea who this person X is. Its embarrasing and a little worrying. Was i really as good a friend with this person as the tone of their mail implied? or just how fickle was I as a teen? Or, is it possible that they found more in me than I of them at the time and so remembered me more? I dunno. Its all a bit trippy. My problem is now, I have no idea of the best way to respond. Do i tell them straight up that I have absoloutely no remote idea who they are? that seems so cruel. So brutal. So, not me. But to send back a benign mail in the hope of garnering more information and therefore jog my memory, without referencing my dilemma seems dishonest. Anyone else had this problem? How would you handle it? Sheesh. This is such a farking new age, social networking, techie problem.

a different kind of clean and tidy

A few days ago The bloke tells me that in early Novemeber some people from the Greens party will be coming over and am I fine with that?
Im writing that paper so Im not really 100% listening or focusing on the details. "Sure, no problem" I love having people over.

So, last night Im organising my life and check the date again with him that people are coming around and to please tell me again why they are coming. "Its a fundraiser for the Greens" Great. Nice. Interesting.
WHAAAT!
People are actually coming over on an RSVP basis and PAYING TO COME AND CHECK OUT MY HOUSE AND GARDEN! Any idea of the tiny little bit of pressure in that?

So after picking myself up, groaning, I tell the Bloke that we've got some work to do before then, in the garden and the house. His response. "Nah, it'll be fine Kell"
Fark.

Haiku Friday

blades in my stomach.
cant sleep. my whole body aches.
small amusements help.

Dancing Fingers at Jari Menari

Thats how the promo reads ,

dancing fingers, massage sessions by our all male team that offer strong, firm, consistent pressure.

We had booked a yoga massage session from Australia, my friend and I and really had no idea what to expect. Regular massage with a twist? We walked off the busy crazy street full of bikes and people into a calm white and wooden space. The obligatory piped music relaxed us and the fragrant oil for our session chosen from a selection of glass vials wafted under our noses. Amber. A nice start. We changed into the sarongs provided, quietly and with some discussion with each other as to what 'take your clothes off' meant...bra and undies or just bra? We opted for keeping the knickers on and in hindsight, Im glad we did.

We walked out into an open corridor paved in the Balinese way' stepping blocks amidst stones and made our way to the two smiling men who were each waiting at a different part of the garden. We followed the pathways that each led to 'our' man and our rooms. We entered clean simple spaces hidden behind shoji screens, a communal corridor of flowing water connecting all the rooms which were open to the skies; typical Bali "'Namaste' please lie down and remove your sarong". Thats not the impression i got from the website! They showed massage in sarongs! Okkk, no problem, as he was holding another sarong up with extended arms and proceeded to place it upon me as I lay face down.

I felt him pick up one leg, pull it sideways and lay it down on a soft firm pad, then the other. I'm now splayed face down , albeit covered in a thin filmy sarong, in front of man Ive never met. I can deal with this I think, it just feels a little exposing. Then he washes my feet. One long sweep of a textured pad on each foot. Surprisingly now i feel clean. Then he lays both hands on my lower back and I just know from this simple move that I'm in for a beauty. He radiated strength and knowledge. Wow!

I gave myself over to his very capable hands as he pulled and pushed and manipulated my back and shoulders and arms and legs and feet "Please turn over". No problem, I'm enjoying myself and feel quite comfortable. Then he starts to fold the top of the the sarong down, deftly replacing it with what feels like a bandaid over my breasts. Hmm OK, that could slip off at any moment but I'm sure that's quite common and nothing they haven't dealt with before, so again I tell myself to relax and enjoy it. He keeps folding the sarong , down and in, so I end up with a vertical strip of cloth between my legs. Double hmm, this could get interesting...breathe Kel, you've still got your knickers on. At this point am thankful Ive worn some respectable and sensible ones.

He starts to massage again. The tops of my feet, long sweeping strokes. I relax then he moves up my legs until hes sliding up and down their full length, using hands, elbows, wrists, up my thighs and under my knickers! Whoohoo. This is getting interesting. He whisps past my very inner thigh around to my bum and back again, and again. Boy, this is interesting and before my brain goes too far with the 'did he mean to do that?' he's back on my calves with depth and I'm feeling the professionalism again.

Im relaxing like never before, thinking that yoga massage contains all the elements of vigor that every other massage has lacked. Im loving it. Then he whips one leg over the other, twisting my torso to the side. He steps between my legs, standing in between my inner thighs and reaches over my body lying over me to reach up and around my back and neck' and begins a firm digging pressure at the base of my head. Im trying hard not to visualise the karma sutra at this point. Im also very avoiding opening my eyes; i dont think i could handle some eye contact at this point. I hear giggling from my friend in the next room. This is completely trippy. Water gurgles, roosters crow and i can hear the faint rumble of a jackhammer.

The masseuse starts to rotate my top leg holding my ankle and rotating my hip, holding my knee, opening out the muscles of my hip. At this point Im starting to freak out about farting, letting rip after all the stomach circling he has performed; my guts have been activated and now hes encouraging it in a dangerous fashion. Relaaaax Kel, dont tense your body. So im quietly doing pelvic floor clenches while relaxing, 'letting go', of my leg and butt muscles. I can multi task! Ive long forgotten my now minor concern about 'the bandaid' falling off the breasts, Ive got bigger things to worry about! Like, 'what is his view from there'? Still i refuse to open my eyes. i dont wanna know! He continues with the other leg. Im resigned to my fate by this stage and really do relax and enjoy it, only minor pelvic floor action required.

He ends the session with a gentle face massage and stroking of the scalp. I know the session is over when he waves a humming bell in circle over my limp body. 90 minutes of sheer heaven has just ended. I breathe out long and slow and smile to myself.
My body has been pushed, pulled, prodded and it feels great. My discarded sarong gets wound back around my body and I float back to the change room where i greet my friend .We exchange a myriad of laughs and mutterings of disbelief. Yoga massage Jari Menari style is not for the faint at heart, nor for anyone with the slightest hint of body selfconsciousness, but so worth the challenge!

business planning with a fizz

I had my first 'meeting' with 'the board' last night (that would be me n him); dining table, bottle of wine, brains and pens and paper. Si has built and sold quite a few businesses in his time so i figured that he might know a little bit about helping me out at this stage of my venture. I'm a bit of a 'i can do it myself' girl so this process was actually a little confronting for me (go figure) but it was a good process to go through, to take myself and my goals seriously, speak them out aloud and work through my business plan together. We worked our way through my marketing plan and strategy, business goals, finance and storage plans and itemised my 'to do' list. I learnt though this evening that I had done heaps of research, knew my product well and had a very good knowledge of the big issues involved. Im prepared as i can be at this stage of the process. I was very surprised and pleased when Si said he'd do whatever it took to help me along and that he would also be prepared to pound the pavement to get this product out there. Im such an academic at heart and always have been, the idea of 'selling stuff' has actually never really been an option in my life but Im passionate about ridding the world of single use plastic- just rip em off willy nilly-fruit and veg bags. We crashed into bed at 1.30am. It feels extraordinary to be pursuing this and Im so glad Im married to one of lifes eternal optimists. I can recommend Alibaba.com as an amazing insight into the world of 'stuff'. Suffering the effects of a fun night a little this morning...

divided loyalties (or just 'oh fuck!')

good news: the girls dad has split from his woman friend of five years and her apparently 'horrid' boy children (his explanation not mine) and may be moving back to Adelaide.

bad news: (actually very very bad news) the girls dad has split from his woman friend of five years and her apparently 'horrid' boy children (his explanation not mine) and may be moving back to Adelaide.

Take your pick depending upon which side of the fence you may sit. The man just upped it and left to follow her to QLD, leaving his children behind. No job as a justifier to them, no climbing the ladder, etc, just another woman and her kids.

To me it screams the end of peace, continuity, consistency and stability. The judge ordered him nothing as he failed to turn up at the custody hearing (how can you not turn up at the custody hearing FOR YOUR OWN CHILDREN!?) he has already started on the girls 'if your mother lets me see you'. ugh.
Ding ding. Round ...umm ...lost count.

wife of a preacher man

Simon has decided to throw his hat into the political ring after much urging from the The Greens, for the next election to the lower house ... life could be about to get very hectic. Im excited but Im also thinking that life as we know it will change whatever the outcome... but Im happy for him, he has been a dedicated activist for over 25 years. Recent success by several Greens members in securing federal and state seats is a very encouraging sign of the times and a good indication that the populace is beginning to vote with their feet!Go Si!