wow- its me!

Life is good,
but no haiku has been written for a while.
The weather is cold and fires are on and the beautiful autumn view has been replaced with damp and bare and a little bleak.
Life is busy,
new challenges and responsibilities have emerged but I'm managing to keep them all airborne, nothing has been fully dropped as yet (besides this blog) and I am learning.
Life is love,
the children are settled, happy, getting less complex (well the girls anyway) the bean is growing and making new demands where they left off. The bloke is his same calm, slow and generous self.
Life is full, overflowing. I'm liking it. I'm pushing boundaries Ive never pushed before.
Lots of lists unfinished, holes in shoji screens (big airblowing ones), unwashed floors and dusty curtains. Weeds in the garden and appointments forgotten to be made, again. Every minute of the day is full. Its all good.

Haiku Friday

A festival of cheeses;

friends, wine and provenance told.

Heavenly table.

Thanks for the pic Carole

Christmas menu planning

One of my most favourite meal times is Christmas. I love everything about the preparation; the reading of blogs, magazines and recipe books to find something that suits my fancy for the day and the dedication of a day or two to preparation and shopping. I like cooking anyway but it always feels much more special, probably due to the more extraordinary ingredients or volume involved.

My family have never done the roast and veg at Christmas lunch. My mum was a vegetarian when I was growing up  and so we had our own version of the roast; her marvelous Nut Loaf with Pimiento Sauce. Its stuffed with sage and onion and has a fantastic texture. To be found in the womens weekly vego cookbook.  It's now an institution as we all love it. So Christmas is always a nut loaf or two (coz we all like leftovers) and a bonanza of seafood, fish and fresh salads.

But this year I'm thinking of contributing a gingerbread spice glazed local happy ham with fresh cherry relish (coz we had a stupendous one at our wedding and I haven't had any since!), a baked ricotta with a sticky tomato balsamic glaze, spinach, persian feta and roast almond salad with a mango chutney dressing and mince tart ice-cream with brandy snap and a load of fresh raspberries. And bubbles.
Christmas Eve, I plan on eating macarons.

What are you all planning for Christmas lunch?

before shots

Just a few cachoux missing at this stage. A few empty welts in the icing testament to the prior presence of small, shiny edible balls; just  a little surreptitious crunching through the day kinda gave him away.

At some stage today, the Bean began getting a bit more adventurous with his help yourself.
Tonight , this is how they're going...

Just a few points missing...

and a whole mouthful.

Who can blame him? Temptation in a decoration! Don't know what his older sister was thinking when she thought making these would be a good idea!

winding down

I'm finally learning how to incorporate this new hectic life into my slow ideals. Embrace it!
I'm reminded that I can be busy as but mindful and present, letting go of the need to control most aspects of our life has really helped. Recognizing my need to control these things is a bit of a revelation. Its really OK if the kid doesn't get a bath or have a sleep some days, even two days in a row! Enjoying life is the important bit. Letting go of some rigidity in structure really helps this. I try not to freak out about the expenditure on my new business, the ethicurean, too much, and its plodding along nicely but i really must get into some marketing next year if I am to recoup any investment in the future! lol

The girls are happy happy happy and its so lovely to have them on holidays and home! The bean loves it too, more people to play with! and more often! B2 has finished up at her Montessori primary school and is heading off to high school next year and  B1 starts her final year of school. Its a holiday to enjoy this one! The house is a noisy mess and I'm loving it. It helps that the girls have finally moved into that lovely 'adult' phase where they do dishes and washing and tidy up without being asked. this is most likely the primary reason  for my loosening of the reigns!

The Bloke is now a Councillor and is out OFTEN. He's enjoying the challenges that have already arisen (Inverbrackie - the site for the new refugee centre is in our council ward) and is beating off the rednecks who have emerged from the woodwork in force. The new council is very Green and we have a very Green new mayor. I'm looking  forward to lots of great new and exciting local initiatives in the next four years with the appointments of arts and sustainability officers for the Hills region.

Work is winding down (well except for the three new grant applications Im trying to get ready for early in the new year)  and I love  the languid sense that work gets in the last few weeks of the year with people starting to chill and the weather changing and Xmas functions aplenty. We are all looking forward to what may well be our last complete ( all 5 of us) family holiday in the New Year.

Christmas prep with the brother is working well, just received an email as he is trying to plan  the lunch menu! How good is that! Bit different to last years family fiasco! I'm really looking forward to some glazed happy ham that i intend to take. Anyone got a perfect glazed ham recipe? I love food prep for Christmas! its so...festive!

I hope your end of year is slowing down and you are looking forward to a wee break!

My that pile of crusts in the pic waiting to become breadcrumbs really needs addressing...it looks a little precarious! lol

Haiku Friday

the sweetness of sun.
a winters weight unbridled,
ready for the crowd.

bio-char

I found this lovely vision at the bottom of our garden. It was the last day of the school holidays for B2; she's still in her PJ's. Relaxed. The Bloke is stoking up the bio-char pit. Our little green valley was full of smoke and the Bean was endearingly hugging his Big Sis. Both watching the bio-char process with interest. I love how they are leaning into each other. I stood a while, just watching. Our thoughts on an addition to the family bringing our two sides together in living proof in red gumboots..

A small selection of the sticks and twigs that The Bloke collects through the year and piles neatly were ready by the end of the day, burnt down into porous, chalky pieces. This days burn has  been incorporated into the vege patches, ready to rejuvenate and open up the heavy clay. The difference is noticeable already.

Haiku Friday

pop! pop! pop! pop! pop!
my heart balloon is bursting.
can't grasp this much love

in my inbox this morning

Dear Colleagues
I wish to take this opportunity to wish all mothers on staff a Very Happy Mother’s Day for Sunday, 9 May 2010. I hope that you will have an enjoyable and memorable time with your family as you get pampered with chocolates, flowers, breakfasts in bed and hugs. Shower your mother with love and hugs too. From my experience of what mothers do for their families, I think Mother’s Day should be every day.
Regards,
Johann


* at this moment i fell off my chair and then had to post. I like our new dean!

the struggle to grow up

Watching your children struggle with learning how to navigate and integrate lifes' lessons is particularly heart wrenching. The words that tunmble out of my mouth at times seem clumsy and ineffective and being an adult, trying to explain or synthesis succintly into small consumable chunks, all of lifes' contradictions, unknowns and exponential possibilities confuses me and is daunting at times, especially with a weeping child to hand.

B1s issues of coming to terms with the reality of who her Dad is and not who she thought he was and wanted him to be really rip at the seams of my heart. Its agony watching her dreams crumble and her reality being forced to shift to account for the father she now experiences. For her, the stripping bare of the father figure; his limitations and inadequacies exposed, his apparent lack of ability to understand and empathsise and his inability to change behaviour that hurts her is making her grow up in a hurry.

Knowing I can do nothing really sucks. Talking, writing, engaging him is impossible. He lacks basic comprehension and empathy and is unable to change. He cannot commit, cannot make good on promises, cannot even remember what words he has said. His borderline personality disorder, which leaves him only half a person, one I was able to finally leave behind and make sense of, is now his oldest daughters turn to navigate.

Im just glad that I really understand , really know, the things about his behaviour and attitude she says hurt, frustrate and confuse her. He was my teacher about this disorder, now I am hers. Hopefully she can come through this next life phase with only a small wound. I have no doubt that he will blame me for her 'disillusionment', her perceptions and her experiences. I will be seen as the parent who is alienating his children from him; he is apparently completely unaware that his behaviour towards them and his conversations with them have real consequences. They are no longer little kids who can be manipulated and bought off with a piece of cake nor can their opinions be disregarded.

knock knock

who's there?

An ex husband who apparently had to move to QLD to get away from me but just cant resist searching for me on the internet. Go figure?

Im now saved to file://C:/Users/Vivi/Desktop/taurus rising.htm

He's had a good root around and spent hours visiting Chez Pan courtesy of Taurus Rising yesterday. Pity he had to traumatise B1 last night with a demanding phone call which reduced her to tears and great distress coz her mum blogs and he couldn't handle what he'd been reading.

The fun never stops!

Haiku Friday

new camera, small kid.
a perfect match. shutter falls,
again and again.

bean playing

I've been busy the last few days. Busy unwinding, really unwinding, from the tight coil that was me trying to get my thesis done by Christmas. It took a few days to unfurl, to drop the physical and emotional stress I had been carrying, which had been propelling me along. Its been beautiful, this time at home. I've mostly spent my time playing in the garden, the girls too, the weather has been just perfect for outdoors. We have spent most of our days sitting in the creek, above the creek, beside the creek, listening to the waterfalls and indulging the Boybean in his favourite new pastine; rock tossing. Plonk.
I havent been out in public since I finished. We've been living off food from the garden, Christmas leftovers and pantry staples. We've been playing games, cooking together, doing hours of Lego building and watering the vegetables. Life is good this week.

i dunno what i was thinking

when i decided that the 24th December would be a good deadline to submit my thesis for its last supervisors' edit. Im snappy. I think I thought maximum time to finish and then I'd be free and able to enjoy the compulsory University shut down from midday tomorow until January 5. Im cranky, stressed, short tempered and suffering a mga burn (dropped a hot molten butter pie crust on my arm??!!??) I've cooked three dishes tonight since i got home from work- dinner; ravioli with carrot sauce, sweet potato bake with nut crumble topping- sweet potatos baked with fresh thyme then mashed with cooked garlic and leek and ready to have the parmesan pine nut crumble topping placed then baked tomorrow night. Boysenberry pie crust cooked, creme patissiere made, that too is ready to be assembled tomorrow and berries piled on top. Just the Beef Wellington and hasselback potatoes and beans to do tomorrow when i get home, after Ive finished the thesis.

Looking forward to that, and the fact that my brother has promised a massive lobster, and prawns and calamari. Surf n turf tomorrow night here i come! Cant remember the last time I ate all that over farmed seafood but Im not going to kick up a stink. I love love lobster. And I look forward to a glass or two (or three or four) of celebration fizz. My mums coming for a sleepover too- first Christmas morning with her for a long time. The big beans are pretty happy about that and she's stoked too. So, this may be the last post until after the crazy hullabaloo has died down. Ive so enjoyed having you all in my neighbourhood, thanks for your company. Have a wonderful time in peace and solitude, with friends, with family; whatever the silly season holds for you. Take care and look after the planet.

so my brother called...

and told me that he loved me, that they would lock in next Christmas lunch as i had requested, that they would come to our house on Christmas Eve and we would do dinner as a complete family, that they would bring food, and I cried. I think my last email must have worked or something? My poor mum was beside herself with joy. I cant remember the last time we had a Christmas meal with them...

So my head turns to a menu. Thinking that I will suggest they bring wine and i will do the food. I'm thinking a piece of fantastic local fillet of beef wrapped in mustard, wild mushroom duxelle and pastry ala Wellington style, a boysenberry tart courtesy of the Gnome berry bushes, nut loaf with pimiento sauce for the vegos and some vegetables/warm salads. Any suggestions? I haven't ever done a Christmas Eve dinner. Usually Im a seafood for lunch at Christmas kind of girl and we always have nut loaf, its our family tradition. Whats your favourite Christmas food? Do you have a Christmas food that's tradition for you?

very, very adult chocolate tart

This was B1s request for birthday cake. It followed a very favourite baked chicken, proscuitto and mozarella dish that i know from memory but can no longer locate since my move-in with the Bloke and I lost my Foods of the World Time Series cookbooks. If anyone has the Italian small companion recipe book I'd love you forever if you could tell me what this dish is called. Its floured, flattenned chicken breasts, gently sealed and browned, then topped with proscuitto and mozarella and baked in stock until it looks just perfect. Its moist and delicious and when we have it (birthday dinners) I always serve it with hasselback potatoes and beans/brocollini.
So the choc tart was the only thing I remembered to photograph, well that and the risotto balls I made for the vegos amongst us but...another post...

Its Jamie Olivers Chocolate Tart, best served with some berries. Its like a good red.

4 large eggs .
3 tbsps sour cream .
1 sweet tart crust ( I used Careme sweet vanilla bean pastry)
8 tbsps cocoa powder .
250 g 70% cocoa dark chocolate .
140 g unsalted butter .
syrup .
200 g caster sugar .
3 tbsps golden syrup .
1 pinch salt .

Directions

Step #1 Pre-heat oven to 150*C.
Step #2 Blind bake the pastry shell for about 10 mins or until it is almost cooked & golden.
Step #3 In a bowl add butter, chocolate, salt & cocoa powder.
Step #4 Put bowl over a saucepan with simmering water & heat until melted & golssy.
Step #5 While above is melting, mix together eggs & castor sugar until smooth.
Step #6 Add sour cream & golden syrup to the eggs & mix again till yoiu get a smooth mixture.
Step #7 Add the melted chocolate mixture to the eggs & mix well until mixd.
Step #8 Pour this batter into the prepared pastry shell & bake for 40 mins at 150*C.
Step #9 Cool.

*p.s. Hasselback potato hint: use a chopstick to brace the knife from cutting all the way through.

Addendum; according to some, this chicken dish is apparently better than sex

Christmas issues

I may love Christmas and my family around but I have one small problem which arises every Christmas. My only sibling doesn't. Over the years he has made himself and his family quite scarce. Christmas has been either a 'we dont want to leave the house' day (fair enough) but we wont make any other arrangements, or a 'you're to far to travel to to be with (30 min) and 'its a pain and we'd prefer to do Christmas low key by ourselves this year' (later finding out that Xmas has been done with the in-laws family (the truth is so much better) or 'what are you doing this year? we're staying home, feel free to drop in anytime'.

Its always on his terms and at his place. Or else its a Christmas Eve visit,his kids optional and for an hour or two. No other options considered. So, if I dont take up the offers and times they propose, there's no recourse. No negotiation. 'This is what we're doing, join in if you want to see us. If you cant make it, too bad. '
Its dissapointing to say the least.

So, in the last few days, after I found out that the Christmas proposal that I thought he''d made when we last saw each other at our Mums birthday; to have lunch together, is not happening, i was pretty shattered. They have lunch with the in-laws and early evening drinks with friends and neighbours organised...but again, feel free to drop in...(thanks for including us in the arranging but we have a 1 1/2 year old, so night-time drinks are a small problem. He seems to think this is inclusive, an expression of interest. Or am I wrong here?

Alternatively, we have been offered a Christmas Eve at their place (with the caveat that they're both working till late so its probably not possible ) but hey send me a 'proposal'" or else Christmas morning at their place before they head out for lunch. Geez thanks. Last time we were invited over to their place (2 years ago) he cancelled due to rain??? And never rescheduled. I dont get him.

My heart has been in recovery mode. I sent him an email saying how sad i was about it all, his lack of priority of my family. His very legal response (he owns a law firm) was not touching and heart warming to say the least. Last time I spoke up about something I didn't like, he and wife didn't talk to me for three years.

Im waiting his response to my latest letter...Im actually quite terrified but it feels great to purge!

D-Day report

Well can I say I made a mountain out of a mole hill? Slight histrionics perhaps...hindsihght is always easy. How do you reconcile a 27/28 , Ive forgotten exactly how old he is now, year old with a 14-0n the brink -of -15 year old girl? You dont. You just cope day to day and communicate and set firm boundaries. Its been tricky but I have to say, meeting the guy today was a little bitter sweet. On the one hand, I wonder about my daughter and on the other hand, Im not worried about him at all. At first sight he looked just her age. I though 'no way, he can't be 27/28' He looks like a teenager. Awkward, uncomfortable, gawky. How I wished he was interesting. Id had in mind a professional, mature, interesting sort of person; my ex-husband at 28 years old. Nup. Kid. Ten years too old for his mind and body. Im thinking they are made for each other right now. She needs love and attention from someone safe and reliable and not complicated and undemanding and unsure. Check. (absent father issues, yes) And so does he (his issues I have no idea about!) I actually felt sorry for him. He'd get eaten alive in this family. B1 on her 15th cusp seemed more worldy and mature. How does that happen? The power differential that I imagined and was so terrifying to me just isnt there. She rules their roost. He is a kid who just hasnt matured. I even wondered at some stage if she'd got his age wrong. My 21 year old nephew seems so much older. Im a bit confused by the apparent contradictions he presents. He appears to be very compliant and no threat at all?!

For those of you who cared about the lunch menu. We had home-made burgers. Toasted wholemeal Portugese rolls, bio-dynamic beef with chilli, basil and onion burger, organic cheddar, home made pickle, home made sauce, mayo, 'garden' and beetroot. It was good. Poor guy didnt even make it half way through, even without the 'garden'....

I have been so happy to hear of experiences about relationships others have had with older men in their past; Em, Katy and my hairdresser. Reassuring at least. But Jeez, its a tough one to navigate with grace as a mother. Most of me just wants to say Noooo.

Not ready for this...

Its a good thing i have been so busy. My mind has been well occupied. Tomorrow is D-Day. The meet the 'too-old-for-my-daughter-why-dont-you-just-fuck-off' bloke day. Im not ready. Im ill prepared. I have no speech, no knock out punch, no poisoned chalice or moment of hypnotherapy prepared. I dont even know what we're having for lunch. When I dont know what's for lunch you know I'm not prepared. Well I do know we ARE having salad coz apparently he doesnt do 'garden'. Well he can bloody well 'do garden' just coz thats whats in season so and you cant have your cake and eat it too right, and garden is bloody well low carbon and good for you and if everyone just ate meat and chips...can you tell im really looking forward to this? I just hope he doesnt start calling her darling or worse...babe then I just might choke on my chokoes, or thump him one, or get really pathetic and passive aggressive on him. Ah fuck it. Cant prepare for this. I'll be winging it and hope that we all make it out alive.Better get that gas bottle filled...

Christmas planning

Not having a religious bone in my body (only if you discount Green as a religion) I do ridiculously look forward to Christmas. I think possibly it may be the excuse to cook way more food than usual,and the chance to eat full interesting meals at least twice a day for days on end. Really, all i have to say about christmas planning at the moment can be found here. All i want for Christmas is to write like her. Loving the kids fridge based Christmas lists this year; scrap papers with ambit claims for outrageous 'things'. Plasma TVs, a new home, Pandora bracelets (each BEAD is a mortgage payment) and you'd definitely need oh about 15 to have something resembling anywhere near 'cool'. Must examine them to check for something reasonable.

Christamas at Chez Pan compensates for the rest of the years non-indulgence. Christmas staples from this tight wad always include a recommended read, 'more than one' piece of clothing-a whole new outit or two all at once kind of deal-(told you I was tight), fair trade chocolate, a bottle of sparkling grape juice, one 'something quite outraegous' that they have been hankering for (usually a piece de resistance ala Christmas list) and a few small other things that I hesitate to buy them throughout the year that they pester me for (make-up, perfume, new belts, bags, sunglasses). Somehow I always manage to fill the sack and they're always more than happy with their 'stuff'. B1 was NOT impressed upon learning that Christmas sacks do not just go on indefinitely until one leaves home but expire at age 16, at which she was quick to get me to clarify whether it was the 16th year or at age 16! meaning otherwise this was going to be her last Christmas and she just wasnt emotionally prepared for that! I love the christmas morning ritual of kids piling onto the bed with sacks and the patient ceremony of sharing turns at selecting and opening. Five on the bed this year. Could be messy.

How many days left to get it together? Im no way there. Havent even planned the menu!