Wednesday, February 3

the struggle to grow up

Watching your children struggle with learning how to navigate and integrate lifes' lessons is particularly heart wrenching. The words that tunmble out of my mouth at times seem clumsy and ineffective and being an adult, trying to explain or synthesis succintly into small consumable chunks, all of lifes' contradictions, unknowns and exponential possibilities confuses me and is daunting at times, especially with a weeping child to hand.

B1s issues of coming to terms with the reality of who her Dad is and not who she thought he was and wanted him to be really rip at the seams of my heart. Its agony watching her dreams crumble and her reality being forced to shift to account for the father she now experiences. For her, the stripping bare of the father figure; his limitations and inadequacies exposed, his apparent lack of ability to understand and empathsise and his inability to change behaviour that hurts her is making her grow up in a hurry.

Knowing I can do nothing really sucks. Talking, writing, engaging him is impossible. He lacks basic comprehension and empathy and is unable to change. He cannot commit, cannot make good on promises, cannot even remember what words he has said. His borderline personality disorder, which leaves him only half a person, one I was able to finally leave behind and make sense of, is now his oldest daughters turn to navigate.

Im just glad that I really understand , really know, the things about his behaviour and attitude she says hurt, frustrate and confuse her. He was my teacher about this disorder, now I am hers. Hopefully she can come through this next life phase with only a small wound. I have no doubt that he will blame me for her 'disillusionment', her perceptions and her experiences. I will be seen as the parent who is alienating his children from him; he is apparently completely unaware that his behaviour towards them and his conversations with them have real consequences. They are no longer little kids who can be manipulated and bought off with a piece of cake nor can their opinions be disregarded.


Laura Jane said...

Oh Kelly

Its a hard one, for all of you. You will be a wise guide.


belinda said...

Tough one.. at least she has a parent that can empathise with her and validate her feelings. She shouldn't have to learn about toxic relationships so personally at her age but even as a mother you're right there really isn't anything you can do.

It really sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders.. Thankfully you have managed to navigate this far with good communication between you. If it all gets too much that will give you the chance to get her support whatever that may entail.


Sarah said...

What a hard realisations to deal with at such a young ago. But also can I say I am so pleased to see this coming generation are starting to think and make their own minds up. Being able to constructively critique something and come to a conclusion that they are happy with.

It has only been with the birth and growth of my children I have started to see my parents as human beings and not these amazing almost God like people I had invisage them to be. My situation is nothing like what your daughter has to face.

She will go through life making decisions on what SHE feels is right FOR HER rather than what she was 'brain washed' to think is the way and struggle with the brain wash she knows is not beneficial.

Jen said...

Here's to your strength and wisdom Kel in acknowledging it is B1's "journey" (oh how I hate that word)and not your responsibility to find some kind of peace with her Dad. Christ, it must be hard to watch her find her way through this, knowing that you cant rescue her from the task.