Tuesday, May 26

i have a [reocurring] dream..

well its a bit of a nightmare really. I have it all the time and have done for the last five years. Its a kind of nightmare to start with but the ending is great! I always wake up happy and at peace. I had it again for the second time in the week last night. Its always the same theme but I havent had a recurring dream sequence like this since i was a kid.

It starts with me in a situation; a party, a dinner, a household moment where i am back in a relationship with my ex husband. The kids are usually involved in the dream but always in the 'backgroud'. The main component of the dream at this stage is the sinking feeling im experiencing at the realisation that i am not happy and feel that the rest of my life is a death sentence and i have to share it with this man. Its the re-expereincing of the real life feeling i had the day he moved back into the house after we decided to get back together after a seperation of six months. Dread. Despair. Heavy. Hopeless. Stuck. Dark. Misery. Anger. Death. So i revel in these emotions in the dream a little before the good bit arrives when i realise that Im no longer sharing my life with this Si but the new version, Mark II; the one that actually fits! The new Si usually walks into the dream room as i have this realisation. This moment marks the pinnacle of the dream.

My heart soars, my despair and dread lift and a feeling of pure joy and love rise up in me when i become aware in the dream that I have done the hard work, that those emotions belong to the past and that I am no longer bonded to a life of misery and 'smallness'. That expansiveness and hope are now a part of my living vocabulary. Then I wake up. Smile. The nightmare has gone...

I really love having this dream.

5 comments:

Laura Jane said...

what an affirmation of the new life you are leading with this new marriage. Clearly it seems you need to be reminded that you are on the right path, that it IS OK to let go of the past.

Dreams are pretty amazing hey?

Kel said...

hi lauran jane- its weird that i keep having this dream given that im very content? obviously as you say, need to keep being reminded. Letting go of the past - wooo, need to think about that one!

elburro said...

thanks so much for sharing that one kel....i hope that i can get where you are some day.

Kel said...

elburro- no problem, and i have no doubt you will!

Annuska said...

*sigh*