Friday, July 18

on being blended

its a challenge being a 'blended' family and as the adult who is the 'bridge' between the two; my husband and my kids, its sometimes very painful and confusing. Sometimes it feels like i have to determine who is right and manage 'sides' when there is no right and no side to take. Im conducting a show without a script and trying to make sure everyone feels heard when personal styles and expectations between step parent, mother and kids are not always aligned. When a moment is heated and lightening is striking it can be hard to keep yourself focussed on the issue at hand, my rational brain switches off to 'mute all' and my emotions turn me into mother bear and overwhelm me. Being a grown up and the biological piggy in the middle sucks and sometimes you really just want to put your hands over your ears and mutter blablahblahblahblah. When you layer that with children who feel abandoned by their biological father and are struggling to come to terms with a very painful loss precipitated by a move interstate to be with his girlfriend and her 3 boys, things get pretty whacky sometimes. So yesterday, when B1 and B2 declared baby bean really lucky to have Simon as his natural dad and they wished he was their dad too and could they call him dad just 2 days after arriving back from 2 weeks holiday with their bio-dad, my heart stood still and ached. I was at once rendered so melancholic for them whilst simultaneously feeling overjoyed that they recognised Simons' worth. What do you say? Do you focus on the bio-dad issues or the step dad issues? Then whatever you decide, your respnse has to be condensed into a 'bite sized piece' coz you dont want to freak them out with a lecture about the who, whats and whys of the emotional dilemma inherent in such a statement. So i said, oh so casually (if only they knew) something like "yes, simons lovely, were lucky to have him and its up to you what you call him, he's happy with whatever you choose", to which they said ok and then happily wandered off to look at some books completely oblivious to the emotional maelstrom they left in their wake.Where is the previous life experience and pareting manual that helps you deal with a moment like that? Crikey.

Anyway, those damn sprouting potatoes finally were put to rest in their little holes in the ground and i can cross them of that list. You know the one.


Gavin said...

Kez, I agree with you. It is hard a first but kids are very resilient, a soon learn which side their bread is buttered on. Kim was chuffed to bits when my older kids started calling her Mum! It was a simple recognition that she did one he'll of a lot more for them than their real mum ever did. Keep your chin up, it will be worth it in the end!

Kel said...

Thanks Gavin, i have no doubt i will be, its bloody good now. Its just watching them go through the process of realisation and acceptance of what a shit their dad and their painful process of letting go thats the hard bit.
Hope youre on the mend!