Wednesday, August 26

integration

I saw the girls Dad last weekend. Its been a while since we have actually physically crossed paths, something like a year and half. Its been good this lack of contact. Healing. For me anyway. Our interactions for years prior have been filled with anamosity; he was always on the attack, incredibly defensive and I dreaded the thought of just being near him. He was so very, very angry. Something was different last week.

For the last eight years or so he has looked at me with steel in his eyes. The piercing rays of hatred that he can manage with those cold blues makes me almost quiver. The smirk and scorn of pure hate is something to expereince from an ex with Borderline Personality Disorder with narcisistic co-morbidities. I wouldnt wish that on anyone. But at our front door I noticed a little somehting had changed. The stare he usually saved for me had gone. He looked softer, almost vulnerable. I actually felt sadness for him. Both the Bloke and my mum noticed it too. He has definitely softened, changed. Maybe, just maybe, he is learning to take some responsibility for his situation, his life. The experience of moving away and leaving his girls, co-habiting with another woman and her kids and then to experience again the trauma of a breakup with her couldnt still all be blamed on me. Finally it looks like he might have worked out that his life is up to him and he is not a 'victim' of the choices I have made for myself. That he is the driver of his own truck of life. I hope he can finally move towards happiness.

4 comments:

Laura Jane said...

Hmmm, bittersweet. I wouldn't go gettin fooled into inviting him for meals though..... There's only so many spots a leopard can change, ya know?

Speaking of which, its my sister's 40th this weekend...wish me luck (gritted teeth)

Kel said...

laura jane-hehe. thanks for the reality check and keeping me on the S&N. dont worry , not expecting any major long term change so no dinner invite plnned in the distant future. enjoy the paaardy. behave. grin n bear it.

Jen said...

Oooo, i suspect Laura Jane may be correct-a-mondo....
But it is so nice to offer an olive branch and hope for the best? He might rise to the occasion of a repatriation meal at some stage, but methinks it may well be way too soon.

Kel said...

jen - correct-a-mondo. No no plans for dinner EVER. I cant bear the thought. Dont think Maia would go for it either. she likes to keep us VERY seperate. She know he is a unpredictable sod.