Im one month back at work and trying out this 'new to me' experiment that is 'The Bread Winner' (well, the go somewhere and actually do some work bread winner. Simon does earn bread, but its passive,; otherwise known as Capitalist Bastard in in my undergraduate lingo. Im think im doing pretty well, it is only 3 days a week after all. The hardest part is not getting up early, its not the school drop offs on the way to work, its not the work either. Its the getting home and not behaving like a paternalistic, chauvinistic 'what have you done with your day' bitch. Its really interesting and frustrating, and challenging and confronting being on this side of the fence after having grazed the pastures of the stay home mum off and on for a few years. The things i have issues with shock me; i mean when did i start to get all judgemental and prescriptive about having dinner ready, toys tidied and bathrooms clean? Its weird how expectations change. I know how time consuming babies are and if Im honest, i think if spent as much time as Si does on the floor playing with the bean, instead of concerning myself with the keeping a tidy house...maybe Im feeling resentful? Im not actually at the point of not wanting to go to work and be at home looking after the bean instead, hell no. I think its just this new way of doing things is confronting my habits, an old record i never knew i had is still playing away in the background. Im shocked at this archaic, quiet inner rustle of judgement that i didnt know i had, that works its way through my reason, about how it should be.
I think the stress of finishing my dissertation has finally come home to roost, Im in that final stage of getting it ready. Im turning inward, wanting to get cranky, and controlling and am not behaving in a very inclusive manner. Its all so internally intense. Im working hard to not let it loose on anyone. Im struggling to keep my congitive process in charge of my bear brain and to just continue to talk and negotiate our way through the quagmire that is responsibility.
So in our house, mummy guilt this weekend looks like bananna and maple waffles and Yahtzee.