Sunday, January 17

a white stick for the blind

What with returning to work two weeks ago, meetings galore for everyone and a new year performance for B2 with productions every day this week and sometimes two, the creative juices haven't been flowing around Chez Pan. Basic gardening has been done in accordance with the extreme heat; lots of watering the fruit and veg, Ive read three books in a week and a half and have been cooking per usual, but nothing special, nothing really to get excited about, besides 'the date' the bloke and I had where we trundled off to go see Avatar and share a pizza when all the kids went swimming at their grandmas. Yawn. Thrilling huh?

The only bit of real drama around here has been the revelation that the ex- and his ex-(?!) are now readers of Taurus Rising. An interesting turn of events to say the least. What would you do? Make your blog private? Keep going without censorship but just be a little more restrained? Business as usual? Ive reviewed what I have written since I started this blog (about separation and divorce and blended family issues and his particular issues) and think that I have been quite fair and considered in my criticisms of situations so feel quite OK with him having read my thoughts. Really, I mean what a score for an angry 'not-yet-over-it' bloke.. a blog! just imagine? Hehe.

Ive decided to use the situation as it stands at the moment as a chance to list my top 5 parenting tips for separated parents in order of importance.

1. Don't bitch about the other parent to the children. It might make you feel better for offloading in the short term but you damage your own relationship with the child, its doesn't make them hate your ex (their mum/dad) it makes them disrespect and distrust you.

2. Leave your adult problems and issues as just that. Adult issues. Children get stressed when significant adults in their life pass on their worries. A problem shared in this situation is actually a problem doubled for the child. Let children be children and talk to another adult about your problems.

3. When your maturing child starts to develop opinions about life, the universe and everything which are confronting to you, don't tell them that it sounds like the 'other' parent talking. Young adults can think for themselves and find it disrespectful and painful that you cant love them for who they are despite differences in opinion.

4. Don't keep making reference to 'how much you look like your mother/father' when all that child hears is how awful that mother/father is. They put two and two together and conclude that therefore you don't like how they look. Just tell them they're looking lovely.

5. Trust, respect and love are earnt, they are not automatic. Relationships need to be built and maintained. If you don't live near your children you have to work extra hard at maintaining the relationship and use every opportunity you can to keep the relationship. You are the parent - it's your responsibility. Listening to your children and hearing what they say is an essential part of maintaining that bond. The small things are the important things and if in the course of your snuffling you come across a blog written by your ex - dont use the stuff you find as an excuse to bitch yet again to your child. They do not like it.

What have i missed?

Now back to business as usual here at Taurus Rising.

10 comments:

Katy said...

As the product of a divorce and then blended family...brilliant tips! My biological father lives about 20 mins from me and he put my sister and I so offside that we haven't seen him in many, many years - and he doesn't know my daughter. Karma works everything out in the end!

Julie said...

I'd be one of many who'd be sad to see you go private with your blog, it's a goldmine of info... best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

Sarah said...

Yup I am with Julie...

Stewart said...

I'm with Julie too. If ex doesn't like what he reads he can always change the channel.
100% on the parenting tips as well. Where do you get your insight?

greenfumb said...

Oh no don't go private, we'd miss you. He needs to move on as you have.

Annuska said...

haha- you did it but in an elegant way!
love the post- hope the message is received loud and clear!

Gavin said...

I concur, don't go private. We will miss you dearly. How will I know if Simon gets into Parliament? How will I know what local fare you are sourcing and eating. How will I get ideas for local foods. Please don't.

I am sure my ex wife reads my blog, but I don't give a hoot!

Gav

John at Cell Phone Recycling said...

I am a product of broken family and both my parents have their own family now, but I can really say 100% that I am okay on both sides, it's because my parent's allows me to be with them anytime I want. They don't restrict me to visit the other family. One more thing, they don't talk about their problems in front of me. And it's just right because the fact that my parents are separated is already a hard situation to deal with, so dealing with their problems as well will just add burden to the children.

Kelly said...

thanks for all your lovely support! so nice. I wasnt planning on going private, just contemplated the action, i had hope my last line" back to business as usual' was enough to keep you informed that I was planning on doing what i always do; tell it like i see it. hanging around the blogsphere for a while longer folks...

Jacqui said...

Phew! No, please don't go private. I had a similar, but different, think about things when I found out my in-laws read my blog. I have been hoping they'll get bored and stop, but no, they don't, and sometimes they circulate things to the rest of the family. Unlike you, I've never been able to find a balance with writing about what's going on in my life, what I believe in/am passionate about, and the general blog journal of our garden ups and downs so there isn't a lot in it to be bothered about that they read except that I do censor what I write now and I resent it. They are very religious and M. is very private (understandably) so I feel like I have to take into consideration how he'd feel if I wrote something he didn't want his parents to know about. Not surprisingly, I've found it a bit hard to keep the lightness of it all up because I'm really not a very light person at all!

As to your parenting points, I whole-heartedly agree with them all, especially the one about being told how much you look like the person they hate. Nice one - I grew up with that. Issues? Noooooo.

PS I love Stewart's comment - wish I could be more bolshy!