bean playing

I've been busy the last few days. Busy unwinding, really unwinding, from the tight coil that was me trying to get my thesis done by Christmas. It took a few days to unfurl, to drop the physical and emotional stress I had been carrying, which had been propelling me along. Its been beautiful, this time at home. I've mostly spent my time playing in the garden, the girls too, the weather has been just perfect for outdoors. We have spent most of our days sitting in the creek, above the creek, beside the creek, listening to the waterfalls and indulging the Boybean in his favourite new pastine; rock tossing. Plonk.
I havent been out in public since I finished. We've been living off food from the garden, Christmas leftovers and pantry staples. We've been playing games, cooking together, doing hours of Lego building and watering the vegetables. Life is good this week.

i was thinking...

thinking that all your comments on yesterdays post were so great that I could post bits of my thesis here every day we could get this damn Thing done together! Whaddaya reckon?

time to purge

I think this is going to be a vomit post- you know the ones, they just spill out, no real theme or rhyme or reason, no plan. Its either that or no post at all, and that just bugs me no end, so goddamit, Im posting! It could turn into a whinge post too, about how tired I feel which also makes me not want to post (i know, just dont do it! but well I must be a bit OCD or something, else just a control freak coz i want to write but cant put two coherent thoughts together really, so lets just see where this ends up..) Well now that Ive started its surprisingly alieviated some pressure, of what we're still not sure, right?. Im cooking, just not posting about my storms, not entirely sure why, but mostly it just seems like just our bloody dinner and who the hell would be interested in the tortilla, the pide or the bio-burger? Im still gardening and its the same gig; who the hell cares that the leaves are being munched off the tomato plants by unidentified leaf munchers who leave bare stems in their wake? or the cucumbers Ive planted out, who gives a hoot? I suppose my creative mojo has just been subsumed. Kids, house, garden, paid work, clubs, volunteer work, PhD. Have found myself frequently wondering how people manage big families? Crrr-azy busy!

The 'holy crap B1 is dating a bloke' saga continues. The heats gone out if it (at my end only!) Shame. Was hoping for some incompatible fizzle. But we're all still talking, being honest and telling it like it is around here and we have noticed that she has grown and met our expectations with her usual amazingness and loads of responsibility, so i am really appreciative of her management of most of the stuff thats come up and out of this situation. Every now and then she shows her age and I just want to slam my adult trump card down on the table and say ' see, its too hot! get out of the kitchen' or 'you wanna play being a grown up, this is what you have to deal with' but mostly I manage the demon. She tells me stuff, I respond, we debate and we move through. Its all good, well as good as it can be when you've got shit like this going on. We still havent met, Ive tried but apparently he's concerned about his hair... A spin off issue has been appropriately guiding her little sister through the matter. Not easy when they talk to each other and Im the bad guy. Im hoping for a rewarding parenting moment in 15 years time.

The garden grows, problems get solved, we love and laugh, we clean and tidy and sweep and wash, work gets done and time passes.

The Thing moves on.
It should be a great Christmas.

was I being dramatic?

...just a bit. But i took your advice yesterday and today and it feels good. I overcame a huge theoretical hurdle that i have been avoiding for oh, just a few years and didnt feel so bad about missing out on the gardening. I did get out and water a few new seedlings, planted out some radiccio and tomatoes that were getting ahead and generally hung out with the boybean in between storming my way through a chapter.I have to say, this outlook on a sunny day can get me sitting in front of my laptop anytime...
Somehow, in between, we managed a leisurely afternoon tea with the Gnomes who were visiting for the first racking of the 'TRMG' carrot and citrus wine we are making as a joint venture and somehow, the leftover waffles that B2 made for breakfast (doh! she made a recipe for 6 when only 2 were at home to potentially eat waffles) morphed into a waffle, redcurrant and orange 'bread and butter' pudding to share. We are hoping the wine is ready for Christmas consumption. So far, so good.

funk gardening

you know the feeling when you want to write but youre all 'blocked up'? Theres too many things going on and not enoug clarity about any of them. Its all too fresh. Thats where Im at. Befuddled and a bit overwhelmed with all of lifes 'stuff'. Theres B1s first real heartache with unrequited feelings and her complete inability to manage them meaning of course that EVERYTHING is my fault. Theres my good friend handing up her PhD and jetting off to New York for a month whci has plunged me into the depths of the 'im never going to finish' despair. Actually i have been feeling so funky that not even a good Spring session in the garden pulled me out of. Must be hormonal. Im hoping its hormaonal coz Im feeling way out of control. Despite the funk, i did have a great weekend in the garden in between ferrying kids arounds for what seemed like hours and hours. Inner city living with teens is looking like a great idea! Heres what my Sunday looked like. Proud glimpses of a recovering patch of rhubarb ( netting obviously did the trick! must have been possums or rats!)

The Bloke finishing of the vege patch extension, especially for a bumper crop of tomatoes.
The cabbage patch (!) weeded of wild rocket, more cabbage seedlings and some cauliflowers as well planted up and the potato patch topped up wth turned in green manure (rocket waste after removing all the good bits which made 3 more litre jars of pesto!) and 35 more potatoes planted.
The rasberries are sprouting away on the right of the pic here just next to a new bean structure which is sporting no beans yet but some purple ones are in and in went some early capsicums which im hoping wont get frost bite!
The tub was purchased ready to catch the grey water run off from the studio sink. This is intended as frog bog and will get planted down in that green space just infront of the walkway.
My tomoates and lettuce are doing well if not looking a little light stretched!
That pizza oven rain hats gotta go before the house and garden get opened to paying customers! and to the left is not a neglected dead old vine, its last years hops plant left to provide structure for this years growth.

And this is a sight to soothe my grumpy arse. One of my anticipated spring garden events is the oranges in full colour contrasted with one of my favourite bulbs, the grape hyacinth. they make a fantastic foil for each other.


I made some totally fantastic pita breads, Katrines broadbean felafels, a yoghurt, cucumber and feta tatzaki, hommous and a tomato parsley salad for a fantastic felafel pita meal but we were so hungry after a day in the garden that i couldnt be bothered searching for the camera. All i can say is that it was well worth the effort of home made pita( so bloody easy and soo bloody good) and felafel. 3 litres of limoncello got finished up for the first stage and I couldnt find any happy pork up here in the hills, so its on my list for tomorrows market day. Stay tuned for a salami making session.

Work Life balance

its a bit outta whack me thinks. I had thought we were getting pretty good at this but the last few days Ive been a bit crabby, snappy and just a tad cranky. Ive shut up emotional shop. Bunkered in. Overall, all is good, but something is rotten in my home state. No routine due to lots of work travel, kids needing me more when i get home (well as soon as i present through the back door actually), more travel next week (hello Newcastle and Melbourne!) and feeling worn out.

I feel just so busy getting everything done in a day - market shopping dash before work, writing, editing, teaching, exercising, home, washing, kids, bedtime, dinner. blah blah blah. Divergent things which have no obvious fluid connection. Brain in one mode then another, then another. Not alot of leftover time to feed the parents. Im ready to crash when i walk through the door. Snap. How do you fix this...more me time? more us time? More family time? Both? All? Im in bed with a laptop with a sign on the door 'do not disturb' I discovered why it was so quiet when i went to steal the laptop from a sleeping B1. Si had stuck it on. But now im drowning in the guilt trip. How can i be so unavailable yet he's giving even me more?

Crap. Sometimes lifes tricky.

what mummy guilt looks like (this morning)

Im one month back at work and trying out this 'new to me' experiment that is 'The Bread Winner' (well, the go somewhere and actually do some work bread winner. Simon does earn bread, but its passive,; otherwise known as Capitalist Bastard in in my undergraduate lingo. Im think im doing pretty well, it is only 3 days a week after all. The hardest part is not getting up early, its not the school drop offs on the way to work, its not the work either. Its the getting home and not behaving like a paternalistic, chauvinistic 'what have you done with your day' bitch. Its really interesting and frustrating, and challenging and confronting being on this side of the fence after having grazed the pastures of the stay home mum off and on for a few years. The things i have issues with shock me; i mean when did i start to get all judgemental and prescriptive about having dinner ready, toys tidied and bathrooms clean? Its weird how expectations change. I know how time consuming babies are and if Im honest, i think if spent as much time as Si does on the floor playing with the bean, instead of concerning myself with the keeping a tidy house...maybe Im feeling resentful? Im not actually at the point of not wanting to go to work and be at home looking after the bean instead, hell no. I think its just this new way of doing things is confronting my habits, an old record i never knew i had is still playing away in the background. Im shocked at this archaic, quiet inner rustle of judgement that i didnt know i had, that works its way through my reason, about how it should be.

I think the stress of finishing my dissertation has finally come home to roost, Im in that final stage of getting it ready. Im turning inward, wanting to get cranky, and controlling and am not behaving in a very inclusive manner. Its all so internally intense. Im working hard to not let it loose on anyone. Im struggling to keep my congitive process in charge of my bear brain and to just continue to talk and negotiate our way through the quagmire that is responsibility.

So in our house, mummy guilt this weekend looks like bananna and maple waffles and Yahtzee.

Holy Shit!

Another Award invitation! I made the finals of the Prime Ministers Awards for Excellence in Public Sector Management. Ceremony in Canberra, December 6. I'll be in Hawaiiii!!!!! Bummer. Im pretty high at the moment. If Obama wins today, i might express and have a few glasses of fizz tonight and pass out in an elated stupor!

All about 'The Thing'

ive thought about doing a post about 'the thing' off and on for a while and always thought the better of it. i mean does anyone really want to know? well, apparently some of ya do! Writing up a precis is a good chance for me to conslidate, as i still have my thesis abstract to write. You're it, my guinea pigs, so if its all gobbledygook, let me know. Its pretty hard to spice up mathematical modelling and public health, but i'll give it my best shot and try and explain why its recieved the attention it has. Its also pretty hard to stand back and not be too scientific and dogmatic about how i tell the story. Im so used to systematic and technically correct (scientific) writing!

Umm, background. My field is oral epidemiology; epidemiology is the science of looking at the determinants and distribution of diseases (who gets what and why). By its nature, epidemiology concerns itself not with the biology of disease but the public health context of illness/wellness.

The research question i set out to answer was ' can we develop an index by which the relative urgency of an individuals need for dental care can be determined?'. The reason i was interested in doing this research is that in the public sector, receptionists were making decisions about who got to see a dentist and who didnt and it appearred that in a lot of cases they were giving emergency priority to people who were not really urgent. Also, by tradition, people were given appointments on a first come first served basis, not urgency of need.

This work has been about 10 years in the making and it started with a very long series of questions asked to a large random selection of persons presenting to public dental clinics in two states of australia for both emergency and general dental care. These questions covered just about everything to do with an individuals oral health; hygiene practices, sugar consumption, dental visiting behaviours, medications taken, pain perceptions, sociodemographic characteristics, past dental treatments, etc. We asked pretty much everything about everything. These persons were then tracked through the dental system and all treatment provided to these people was recorded. Two dentists also provided independent opinion about the urgency of each patients dental problem.

Then i used statistics to match up question responses with dentists urgency categories to see if any questions were highly associated with urgency. This analysis resulted in 10 very predictive questions.

You still with me?

These questions were then tested on the computer on a pretend set of patients to see if the same questions would still be useful in predicting urgency and it wasnt just chance that led us to these 10 questions. They were. This is about 4 years of work so far. Research is like that. it takes ages when you deal with human populations. Give me a test tube! Ok!.. the questions work well in predicting urgency when i use a fake set of people. what about real people?

So then i took these 10 questions and had receptionists use them on the phone on real patients. I had dentists again rate the patients urgency. This was the first test of the questions on a new set of real people. After more analysis, the questions still matched up well with dentists ratings. What really 'Wowed' us was that the 10 questions worked better than receptionists at figuring out who needed most urgent care and was more like the dentists rating of urgency. Im getting excited now. It looks like i have found a systematic way to determine urgency for dental treatment.

Soo, then the public dental service gets all excited about my results and decides to let me do a full trial using my predictive model. They give me 4 clinics to run the trial and we actually say 'yes' or 'no' to people using responses to my series of questions. New computer interfaces for the dental clinic databases were made and installed and my special algorithm runs quietly in the background and calculates scores to peoples responses. It then tells receptionists the urgency category of each person calling and how long until an appontment should be made.

I do even more analysis and the questions still identify people with the most urgent need. It gets even better. Gasp, 'how can that possibly be'? i hear you all crying! This new way of determining need also lets the system better manage its bookings and over a year of using my system, these 4 clinics manage to change their service around from being mostly an emergency system;extracting rotten teeth which hurt, and start giving people check ups as well; looking after teeth, providing fillings and helping people keep their teeth healthy.

Before i have finished my dissertation, the system is rolled out in every clinic in the state and now all clinics are able to provide routine check ups for public dental patients, not just emergency dental services. It was a very thorough and scientifically rigourous piece of health services research using 'gold standard' design, process and analysis AND its had a great public health result. Hence its award nomination. Wheeeeee!

Award Finalist

My Prof just called. Whoohoo. Its official. My PhD research has made it to the final of the Premiers Awards for innovation and excellence in Health Services. Award night is on the 22 November. Fancy pants required. Next stop...Canberra!

back into it

so here i am , blogging when i should be working on my PhD. I made a promise to myself over the weekend gone, that come school term starting (today) i would pick up the task of finishing my PhD. Part of me resists and goes ' bugga off- im on maternity leave and i just want to chill and enjoy this unique time' and the rational part of me says 'you'll relax and enjoy life more with this monkey off your back'. Ive chosen to get rid of the monkey. Realistically, Ive not that much more to do, the bulk of it is done. My methods and results chapters are well edited, my lit review needs about 3 days of polishing and I need to start work on developing the discussion. 2 hours a day is what i am aiming for and if the weather keeps on being so disgusting it shouldnt be a problem. I just need some discipline (some enthusiasm might help). Im a little over the rational/scientific. I just want to be emotional and flighty for a while longer. After 13 years of workin, studying and single parenting i just really want to ree-lax for a while and enjoy this time. Dig in the garden, play with the boy, potter in the kitchen, be silly with the girls, sit back with some music and a bottle of wine with my man and chat. Ugh, Ok, Im off, one page at a time...wish me luck!