the computer says 'no'

A discussion on the way home from the terms 'learning conversation', a student led interaction between parent child and teacher in lieu of the traditional parent/teacher night, turned into a night from my worst nightmare. My nearly 15 yo bean informs me that she has a boyfriend. Nice. Then she tells me the 'boy' is not really a 'boy'. Hes a 20 something man! Holy fuck. I hung onto all my instincts to just lose it, ban her from seeing him etc etc. But i didnt. Is the guy a complete moron or just a plain sicko? Jesus. Trust factor is being given a MAJOR workout here. I told her i did disprove, strongly, that rules applied in extra force, we had a talk about sex, about men and expectations, about power, misuse of it, whose got it, about control and autonomy and feeling all grown up and love and desire and feeling beautiful and good about yourself and sex and sex. Oh boy! Ive told her i want to meet him, but actually the thought of that is making me feel ill. I just want to tel him to 'fuck off'. She has told me that if i dont want her to see him that she wont because i take precendence, but she was so angry with me for not approving that the consequences to our trust relationship will obviously be affected.Im seriously working on the theory that if i squash it she wont tell me these things in the future "I wish i didnt tell you mum" was ringing in my ears and sending me a major call. I really want her to talk to me about these things and me outright banning her from seeing him i figured would either push it underground and she would start lieing to me to see him or just not tell me about anything 'undesirable' next time. I really want her to safely learn her own terms. Is this pie in the sky thinking? Doesnt she know i have a PhD to finish!

This delightful news topped off what was already a really bad day. And i thought B2 feeling devestated about me not approving of her and her friends posting a soon to be made and much organised vidoeo on YouTube earlier that day was a difficult moment. Its such a fine line. Parenting really sucks sometimes. Where's the rulebook for best outcomes? I dated a 19 yo when i was 14 for a few months and i know i handled that situation well and never felt compromised nor unsafe.

I was a naughty kid, pushed boundaries and never told my mother very much about my actions and behaviours but never got into any serious trouble, just the odd close situation. I lived in Bangkok without my parents at 15 and was generally pretty streetwise. I got kicked out of home at 17 for having a sexual relationship which my mother just couldnt handle( I was in university by then!). Pot.Kettle.Black is coming home to roost. Does anyone else have any experience of this? Some pearls of wisdom to help out one freaked out mother?